I’m Emotionally Attached To My Journal, But We’re Breaking Up

My life is often derailed, it’s the nature of life on the road. To combat my ever-changing circumstances I’ve realized that I need rituals. Practices, routines, patterns. Something of familiarity. Although many have come and gone, journaling has been a solid rock for me.

Journaling is not a new discovery it’s been what I've revolved around for a long time, I just didn’t realize it until now. Since the beginning of college, I have lugged around a random assortment of little books. No matter where I went, my journal(s) accompanied me, to hold my insides when I couldn’t any longer. 

How I write in my journal ebbs and flows, from retellings of my day-to-day,to make-shift poems, to lists, to life-altering-realizations, to my deepest confessions, to who knows what. I go through creative spurts and depression spirals all in one little spot. I am in those pages. I am those pages. 

 So what happens when there are no more pages for me to fill? 

My now-late journal is a hard brown cardboard cover with grey and black trees on the bottom half. The spine is covered in tape to hold it together and the corners are bent from being literally thrown around the van. I believe I bought it at Walmart for a few bucks because I had just finished the journal I kept all through college and needed something to hold me over until I found a “worthy” notebook. (I love to toil over picking the perfect notebook. I’m elated when I find the perfect paper and the perfect cover and size that feels like it was made for me.) Turns out this one lasted longer than I thought it would. Once I started putting pieces of me in it, I couldn’t abandon it. 

This was June 2024. 

Now, almost a year later, in May 2025, I have scribbled on every last page (that is still left in the book). Writing on this final page felt daunting. What do I close this whole book with? It feels so final. (I also have this problem with the first page, hence all my journals skipping the first clean page with intentions of returning, but never finding the right words). 

This time, I decided to fill the last blank pages with what I have learned during the journal's life - collecting tidbits from entries, I’ve compiled a list. So here it is. The last entry from my cheap, tattered journal that I am devastated to be moving on from. 

(Side note: I edited and added to this entry to make it more understandable for anyone who isn’t me. The meat is the same, I just added some flare and punctuation.) 

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5/27/25 Tuesday Night  (Flight TN -> TX -> UT) 

I’m always sad to finish a journal. It’s like a whole chapter is closing… except nothing is changing besides where I put my thoughts. 

Looking back at my first entry I realize I have become a whole different person since then. It’s been almost an entire year. The most turbulent year of my life emotionally, physically, and geographically. I have learned so much about living, relationships, fear, joy, and how to care for myself. All are still huge works in progress. I am so strong, independent, and powerful. I’m so proud of myself through this journal. Growth is the most rewarding pain I have ever experienced.

My list of what I have learned: 

1. No one cares about you more than you.

Do whatever you want because everyone else is more worried about themselves than what you’re doing. Wear what you want, dance to the music coming from a stranger's car, live where it feels right, post every moment on Instagram or fall off the face of the social media landscape. Who cares, you only have this life, do what brings you joy. 

2. Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.

Hold on, I’ll explain. I’m not a perfectionist, but I do love to be good at things. Sometimes it’s hard for me to try new skills or opportunities because I want to be great. The weird pressure I put on myself to be great gets in the way of just starting. (This mental block severely reared its head while in college, and was the main source of my procrastination.) However, if something is worth doing, then no matter how good at it I am, I’ll get something out of it. If there's not enough in the tank for a 10-mile hike that’s fine, do five, do two, go hang out at the trailhead and feel it out. Any of those options will be beneficial, and who knows maybe 10 miles will somehow slip by without even realizing. 

3. No matter where you go, you take your emotional baggage. (A direct quote from a friend I met on the road - thank you, Tracy)!

Just because your life might look different you still have what has always been there: you and your mind. For me, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this looks like fighting with depression that knocks me off my feet and anxiety that keeps me from wanting to get back up. That doesn’t go away just because I’m somewhere beautiful. That doesn’t go away because I live in a van now. Every experience I’ve had in the past is still there, no matter where I go. I am allowed to feel it. 

4. Shoulds/coulds/woulds can kick rocks. 

You should? Says who? This is just unnecessary judgment from others or yourself. Don’t listen to it, it is not true to you. Once you stop listening to the judgments of others and your inner critic (this is a big one) life gets a lot more enjoyable. Don’t let the guilt of what you “should” be doing stop you from following what is right for you. There is NO RIGHT ANSWER to life, so stop trying to find it. 

5. Life is cyclical.

Seasons baby. Everything has a time, season, and purpose. What a cliche thing to say, but I guess that’s the point of cliches, they’re true. I am having a hard time putting words to my thoughts on this one. Life isn’t linear, so why treat it as such? What comes around goes around, and all that “woo-woo” stuff. (Maybe more on this once I can better express myself.)

6. It’s not that deep.

Whatever is getting you worked up probably doesn’t really matter, it’s not that deep, it’s not going to change the trajectory of your life, and you probably can’t do anything about it anyway. 

7. Adjust 

Problem-solve, change your plans, change your mind, learn new skills, roll with the punches - life is so much easier if you focus on living it rather than controlling it. 

I think that’s all I got - I am so thankful for this life even with the hard stuff. I’m lucky to be me. 

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Now all I need is a new little book to continue to learn and grow from. It’s hard to imagine making a new book as much of a home as this one has been, but I always do. I just have to start. :) 

Until next time - be well and love well,

Mariah