The Hard Reality of Van Life - (I have been struggling)

Wow, wow, wow, it has been a long time! Many people have been asking me for updates, blog posts, videos, and whatever else I can share. I am extremely blessed to have people so interested in my life, who want to keep up with me. I have done a TERRIBLE job at keeping you all in the know… Here are a few reasons why: 

Life is hard, man. Although to many people I am “living their dream life” spending my days frolicking in fields, hiking bucket list places, sleeping under the stars, and living carefree - I am still living life. I still have emotional highs and lows, I still have bad days, I still have terrible days, I still do laundry (occasionally), get behind on dishes (often), doom scroll all day, and feel discouraged. This has been a HARD adjustment for me. Luckily, I am feeling more confident now than ever in my ability to take care of myself, comfort myself, and know when to ask for help. 

My life is mostly admin. By this, I mean figuring out how to fulfill my everyday needs. Each need is a multiple-step process and is somewhat exhausting—especially in an emotional slump. Adapting a life where showering is a luxury, laundry is optional, and a place for the night is uncertian was challenging. Life moves slower, tasks are harder, and plans are shifting constantly. Often, it didn’t feel very interesting. No one cares that I spent an entire afternoon figuring out where I to sleep for the night and maybe be able to catch a shower and some free Wi-Fi.  

In survival mode, creativity seems unattainable. Over the past few months, I've unknowingly been in this "survival mode." The overwhelming discomfort of my new life left me drained. Even when I had the chance to engage in creative endeavors, I lacked the energy to pursue them. Occasionally, I wrote, drew, painted, or explored new skills, but it was solely for myself. It was a way to prevent myself from falling apart. Sometimes I felt an intense need to create as a counterbalance to what I couldn't control. I've never considered myself obsessed with control, but when everything depended on me (yet was beyond my grasp), I needed something I could have total control over.

I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed that I wasn’t enjoying every moment, that I still experienced intense bouts of depression and anxiety, and that my life wasn’t flawless. HOW SILLY! I have never demanded perfection from myself, but somehow, this felt different. This has been my DREAM for so long. I have never wanted something so intensely, so wholeheartedly, and pursued it with all I have to give. If I don’t love it, does that make me a failure? Absolutely not. But, with no one there to knock some sense into me, I spiraled. 

I wanted to enjoy myself. I felt a bit of pressure to share every detail of my life because, in all honesty, I’ve always been an oversharer. Even though I just listed various challenges and difficulties of van life, there is so much to truly love about it. I wanted to soak in every precious ounce of goodness, to save it for harder times. Spending time and energy to share it with others felt impossible, and even worse, what if I missed out on something amazing? Now, with some perspective, I recognize the flaw in my mindset and chuckle a little at my past self. 

So, here I am. After six months of “radio silence” (besides the various Instagram and Tiktok posts that showed only the things I wanted others to see) I’m back. I want to be open. I want to express myself and share my life with anyone who cares to know.

Welcome back to “The Marv”. I'm uncertain about what this will become, but I'm thrilled to have the freedom to pursue anything that calls my name. I've always had this freedom, yet I was paralyzed by the pressures of shoulds, woulds, and coulds, which were entirely self-imposed. 

If you’ve made it this far you’re probably my mom or grandma, but thanks for taking time out of your day to read what I have to say. 

Until next time (hopefully soon) be well and love well,

Mariah